I will not be thrown away.

That was the message that I learned yesterday.  I have come to the point where my body physically aches from thinking and praying about decisions. One of the lies that I have been fed is that if I go back to the USA, I will be wasted. I will not be this person who the Lord created me to be. I wouldn't desire adventures, become scared to leave, a girl who grows old and smells of lavender and cat urine (because of all of the cats I would own) and lives in her parents basement. I know that is dramatic, but that is what my little finite mind thinks when I don't see what is next on the horizon. I was scared that I would not have a desire for anything, and just be thrown away. I don't want to be last year's style that was really fun and exciting, and then dumped in the garbage when something new comes up. 

Yesterday I was sitting in my classroom at lunch just reading and asking the Lord where he wants me to go next, just tell me something...

"I have called you back from the ends of the earth so you can serve me. For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." - Isaiah 41:9-10

Reading that just made my eyes wide and reread it a few times. I asked, "Lord, are you calling me back from the ends of the earth so I can serve you better?" I don't yet, but it was the first time I felt like he wasn't just saying no, but comforting me and confirming my feelings.  Then, when I got to the part that said, "I WILL NOT THROW YOU AWAY," he reminded me that he is not going to throw away all of these things I have learned and discovered, all of this adventure and life.  I will be messing up the adventure if I intervene and hold onto what I want to hold onto.  I was talking with my roommate on Sunday just saying, "You know Kel, my favorite adventures that I have went on were the ones that I had NO clue how they were going to turn out." I had felt anxious and nervous but they always turned out so much better than I could have imagined, so I doubt this will be any different. I feel like I am starting to go again. 

Just a side note -- two weeks ago I e-mailed the pastor of the church I attend asking him about the bilingual preschool. I did this because for some reason every time they talked about it in church my heart got a little excited, so I knew I needed to ask more. Of course, in God's timing he didn't e-mail me back right away, but did so yesterday. Who knows what will come of it, but just the fact that he is opening one door lets me breathe a little better.