The Middle

I have always tried to get people to feel sorry for me for being the middle child, the second daughter, the "surprise." I have put up a good case that no one will be excited when my "firsts" come along, that they won't be excited because Anna has already passed all of them. She was the first: grandchild, walker, (I did have hair first), to graduate, engaged, married, to have the first grand baby. She said she would let me have the first baby, but Abe came along and I wasn't close. So, now I am hoping for maybe the first granddaughter? But, in all honesty being the middle child has been great, and you learn a lot from watching the first go through it all.

There is also another type of middle. A place in life where you are not quite sure where you belong, or how you quite fit in. My friend Kelly gave me a song by Jill Phillips called, The Middle. She is way better at putting into words what this middle season is like:

If I was old I might have it together

Or if I was young that would be my excuse

But either extreme seems so easy to be

And I’m somewhere in the middle

Too young to act like there’s wisdom inside of my head

And too old to not care if its there

The pendulum swings to each end well defined

And I’m somewhere in the middle

So tell me when will I know where I fit into the scheme of things

Cause right now I’m not even sure if I belong

The cracks are wide and it seems I just keep on falling in between

Please tell me I’m wrong

Please tell me I’m wrong

Its too late to back out of this race that we started

but it seems like the finish is light years ahead

So all I can ask is that you walk next to me

Here somewhere in the middle

- The Middle, by Jill Phillips

In this life in the middle, I'm still trying to figure out what Sara looks like in Indianapolis as a 24 year old. How do I take what I learned over the past few years and use it here? I think back to last January when I was reminded that I will not be thrown away, but as I go back and read what I had written almost a year ago, I don't really know if I am something different than before. I think that most of just think, "If I was only (fill in the blank), then I would be who the Lord desires me to be." Then I also know that that is always going to be the case unless I am satisfied in Jesus and where he has me today. Not wishing, or hoping for something more than that. Because I have what I longed for before, and now that I have that -- I want more and I know that I will never be satisfied unless Jesus is what I strive for. So as Jill Phillips sings it so beautifully, I feel like I am caught in the middle of life. Unsure of what my gifts are, how to use them, how much do I invest in this city if I might move yet again, what to do with today.

I guess all I can do is walk with the Lord daily, and ask him to fill my life with the joy he attended. I mean I have NOTHING to complain about and really enjoying this season, amidst feeling caught in the middle all at the same time.